This one time, I contorted a bobby pin to cinch extra slack on my one-piece to keep the straps from falling down so I could finish my laps without flashing fellow swimmers. In a pinch, I know how to lodge twigs in my hair and use them as barrettes. In the heat of mushroom season I’ve been known to write, “Out of Gas, Will Return” on the back of Post-Its and stick it to my car window before abandoning my vehicle to go run on country roads. This is so the property owners know I’ll be back soon, don’t think that I’m encroaching and slash my tires. Yes, my swimsuit and towel do drape freely across my car’s backseat “travel closet” bar (to dry.) Last week I snagged myself a thin sheet of metal from someone’s garbage to slide heavy stacks of texts books under the bed for storage (the books that aren’t “dishwasher safe.”)
I wish that I could, but I couldn’t possibly, think of and list for you all the ingenious contraptions that I have concocted throughout my years. These are just some recent ones that come to mind. Remember when I used a steak knife to whittle a wooden spoon to the circumference of a toothpick for checking the doneness of LifesLemons’ birthday cake? Or recall that other time when I shared with you my Mason jar jewelry box? As a matter of fact the picture to the left is a Tupperware lid-holding apparatus attached to a cupboard door using an old lemon sack, three push pins, and a kite string woven with a safety pin by my bare hands. Pushpins can also be used to hold anatomy notes to the back of a car seat for easy viewing while studying in your car.
You probably wouldn’t be surprised to know that once I wrapped a WalMart sack around a Pyrex casserole dish to preserve leftover enchiladas in the fridge, yesterday I placed a glass canister on its side to store blueberry muffins, or tonight I brought iced tea in an old pasta sauce jar with me to tennis. It’s not that I don’t have Tupperware and water bottles. I do, but by now you know that I hoard them whenever possible, even when they’re not being used. I once shared my personal affection towards Tupperware and other small containers. In fact, Weston knows that the next time he fails to return my travel coffee mug to its respective cupboard above the sink he’ll be sleeping with the fishes. He will wake up at the bottom of the Illinois River with a cement block tied to his abnormally large big toe. That will be epic.