Read it Here First

It’s out now.  Did you know?  My book a.k.a. twelve laminated pages of plastic coil-bound bliss.  I wrote and illustrated it in eighth grade.  Have you heard about it?  Did you even know about it?  We’re not friends anymore.  

I’m only kidding and not surprised.  “How I Won 6.3 Million Dollars,” is flying off of store shelves so I’m posting it here, online, for you to read… for free.  It’s my career’s early work so what the heck, I’ll even throw in a written commentary below.   Just another perk of being a Lemons reader.  The beach scene is page one, so wait for the pages to revolve.  Fancy schmancy.

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(Page 1 & 2) Refreshing to see main character (girl in purple bikini) practicing “safe tanning.” (See orange bottle of sunscreen beside.)  Watch out for the crab.  Aunt Bertha is an avid member of the Red Hat Society.  Although she takes care of her skin by wearing cucumber face masks her hair leaves much to be desired.  Same time on wall and alarm clocks, good.  Excellent use of zig-zag screen split during phone call.

(Page 3 & 4)  Calling Aunt Bertha from a grocery store to ask if her cookies require chopped or whole dates.  (Conflict.)  Frankly I’m a little surprised that a store that has at least 98 aisles (!!) doesn’t have more variations.  Wild haired radio dj named DJ, according to his name tag, enjoys the light of a disco ball and juggles with his lime green shoes on desk during a live radio call-in contest.  How did the cans on the grocery store shelves get closer together?

(Pages 5 & 6)  Good variety of people at baseball game:  a young person, an old person, a person who is balding, a person who may or may not be choking on a hot dog, a few topless people,  a biracial gay couple and a couple of people who are about to kiss.  Seems legit.

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(Pages 7 & 8)  Went to the Bahamas.  Drank a glass of red wine at a fancy candle-lit…lunch?  Ordered dip but server brought chips.  (Maybe he should have used that pencil behind his ear.)  Apparently the character changed seats during the meal.

(Pages 9 &  10)  Thirsty from eating the chips so went to McDonalds for a Coke (and possibly to sober up from lunch.)  Why are there 2 fish fillet sandwiches in the McDonalds hot lamp queue?  They’re not exactly a top seller.  At a glance Combo #1 and Combo #2 appear to be the same.  Look closer.  They’re not, #2 is a Big Mac Meal.  See the middle bun?  Main character experiences a colorful euphoria from winning the lottery.  Story reaches climax.  Reader shares excitement.  Reader feels pizzazz.  At this point in the story our earlier suspicions are confirmed: The main character is double jointed.

(Pages 11 & 12)    Resolution.  In the end the main character gets rich and fat.  She stores her lottery winnings in a gold plated safe and rings a bell whenever she needs something.  She starts to receive cookies from her grandma but there is no mention of dear old Aunt Bertha.  Did she go missing?  Die?  It’s a mystery I suppose.  

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