Happy 4th, LifesLemons!

Happy fourth, LifesLemons…I baked you a cake.  speck_pixelskin_hd_wrap_ipad_2_case_1

On this birthday though, we’re baking and blogging from a new place and not everything’s arrived and organized yet from the old. Luckily for us, I came across a glass jar with some brown powder inside.  It was probably cake mix but it could have been dutched cocoa or chocolate pudding.  I added an egg anyway and rustled up an over-sized ramekin to bake it in.  The “batter” proceeded to take about three times longer in the oven to turn into a “cake” than usual but it tasted pretty good.  According to me, anyway.  I’ll eat anything that doesn’t eat me first.

Here are the year’s top posts, you know the drill.

Where I Get My Writing

How to Celebrate Survival of a Near Death Experience

NTT: #Vintage_Microwave_Selfies

Coffee Shop Wasted

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The Seven Year Itch: Part Six

It’s sort of like walking into an ice cream shop knowing what flavor you like best, but wanting to try the Rocky Road anyway.  It’s not about finding a better flavor, it’s about being completely content with your choice and discovering all the nuts and swirls that you can do without.

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The Seven Year Itch: Part Five

Two adults emerged from a relationship that they had been a part of since adolescence. It was difficult to wrap her mind around being single, “available” or even to think of him as, “my ex-.”  But weeks turned into months and they existed as two instead of one.  It was a time to not be guarded, to “test the waters” and find out who they were without the other. ddtureThey opened their minds in ways that had never been done before- abiding only the boundaries that they’d imposed upon themselves.   It was liberating and revelatory.

At one point, she felt as if he were a complete stranger and her heart wrenched at the thought of him thinking the same.  Together, they tried not being taken by each other but in the end, it was too late.

The Seven Year Itch concludes tomorrow at 7:30 A.M. 

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The Seven Year Itch: Part Four

The hardest part was taking a huge step back from a perfectly comfortable and loving relationship.  Still, in attempt to resolve her uncertainty, she insisted on walking away from one of the best persons she had ever grown to know.

kjkCan you imagine?   What sort of selfish person abandons another?  Just “checks out” of their second-nature, their normal, in attempt to “itch” something that, “she can’t put a finger on?”  

In one scenario, this break wouldn’t last and they’d end up together.  The Great Unknown wouldn’t be greener on the other side, her nagging urge to experience independence would dissipate, and they’d live happily ever after, etc.

On the flip side, there was a chance that they would both move on from each other.  Or worse, what if one moved on and the other not?  The entire idea was against his will but what if somehow they each found someone else who was a bit more attentive or compatible?  He could fill her void and she could his.

But would he take a chance of letting that happen? He had no choice.  

The Seven Year Itch Continues tomorrow at 7:30 A.M.

If you missed it, click here for Part One or Two or Three.

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The Seven Year Itch: Part Three

They call it, “The Seven Year Itch” when, approximately seven years into a marriage or relationship, for various reasons, the rate and number of break-ups will be at its highest. Somehow, wearing that ring, on her left hand, on a certain finger provoked something from within and it scared her enough to do something about it- after seven years.

Have you ever walked into an ice cream shop? Rocky-road-ice-cream_thumb2You know what flavor you like the best but decide to try Rocky Road anyway.  Just to be safe- as a necessary precaution.  So that you know that you’re consistently making the right decision by choosing another.  It’s not about finding a better flavor, necessarily. It’s simply about knowing the alternatives, having the freedom to choose and being confident that your ultimate choice was the right one.

Insisting to separate from the person that she’d shared nearly everything and every time with for the past seven years was probably the most difficult decision of her life.  But for some reason, she believed that settling down with your first and only love, no matter how great, wasn’t in the cards for her.  It was something that she wasn’t prepared for.

If spending eternity with him started in 2007, her only regret was not knowing in advance.

The Seven Year Itch continues tomorrow at 7:30 A.M.

If you missed it, click here for Part One or Two.

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The Seven Year Itch: Part Two

kkkThey dated for seven years. They lived together, grew in love together and in March of 2014, she did something uncharacteristic and blushes about it to this day. She walked into a department store and left with a sterling silver ring that would be similar to an engagement ring that she would pick out for herself.  She wore it in private for several months- in the car, during housework, running errands.

That September, she broke up with him.

The Seven Year Itch Continues tomorrow at 7:30 A.M.

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The Seven Year Itch: Part One

When he texted her over the summer of 2007, she was absolutely beside herself. After admiring him for most of their lives, she’d pine over each and every one of his lovely messages- things like, “Hey.  What’s up?” and “Oh, that’s cool.”  She’d have to type, erase and type each response several times before feeling satisfied enough to hit the send button. Should she use punctuation or was that too formal?  Did she use, “yea” or “yes?” It didn’t matter.  In reality, he didn’t care about those things.

He was from a good family and wasn’t like the other boys. When they started “going-out” for real, she was smitten.

 The Seven Year Itch continues tomorrow at 7:30 A.M.

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Lately on Lemons

654654I kick myself everyday for not blogging on LifesLemons often.  Or more.  Or more often than not.  That would be a start.  Lately though, it’s been hard to stop the daily momentum.  It’s hard to settle down long enough to express one complete thought.  Years from now, let’s admit, I’ll wish that I had.  Years from now, I won’t really matter that I skipped a swim or didn’t continue my wild goose chase for the “perfect shower curtain.”  When I read back taking a night off to stay in, and write, is worth it.

Exciting stuff is happening soon and some day, it’ll be super fun to look back and shake my head at all the things that were going through it at the time.  Embarrassingly miniscule, juicy stuff about pointless things that probably only matter to me.   Did I really once rattle on about how I can’t keep a swimming cap on my head?  That’s deep.  Or, I quote, “Wearing bad socks is risky business,” end quote.  What the?  And did I really leave an anonymous note on my teacher’s lecture podium asking him to dismiss class early on a nice day?  That’s bad-ass.  I’m such a rebel.

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Coffee Shop Wasted

I took the day off.  It was a last minute decision that made perfect sense at the time because there are few more opportunities this year to use time-off and even less opportunities to Christmas shop.  I’ll just think up some gifts to buy and head out.  I certainly can’t treat today like a weekend day, when I do not much of anything except pace around the house in my jammies eating white chocolate chips and slivered baking almonds by the handful.  I can’t wind up in a little hole in the wall coffee shop either.  That would get the day wasted.  IMG_0501

On my way to hunt for Christmas presents, I made a point to do a few important things first: swim, deposit a jar of pennies at the bank and stop at my favorite place for complementary donuts while my car got fresh oil.  Next, I passed a local dive and that neon, “Open” sign just sung to me.  One little drink wouldn’t hurt.

The smell alone was intoxicating.  Luckily my laptop was with me, just in case my brain started whirling and I needed a place to crash and blog for a while.  A few rounds later, my stiff legs and I were stumbling back and forth from the bathroom.  At one point, I was staring up at the spinning ceiling fan wondering what a White Elephant is anyway.  It would be most responsible to call a taxi service to drive around a personal Christmas gift shopper- I’m not fit to go anywhere at this point.  (I’d lose my table by the radiator.)  This day is shot.  Speaking of…make it a double (shot) of espresso.  I’d like to dance in the corner to let some energy out.  Which probably isn’t a good idea. So instead, I order some scones to soak up the caffeine in my belly.  I blog, take online personality quizzes and think about dancing in the corner again.

The baristas offer last call and I order a final round for me and all my new-found fellow wifi-bumming friends.  When I leave the building, an officer approaches me and my heart races- did I forget to pay the tab?  “Ma’am, have you been drinking…. coffee, with your car parked here for longer than 2 hours?”

Geeze, is it that obvious?  Somehow, I make it home but won’t get much sleep tonight.  I’ll wake up with bloodshot eyes and a hankerin’ for bacon.  (I always hanker for bacon.) My day off was coffee shop wasted and there’s not many Christmas presents to show for it.

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Berry Therapy

I’m a sucker for berry bargains.  We, on LifesLemons, know this.  So when cousin Taylor and I hit the grocery store to roam around like twenty-something girls do on a late weeknight, berriesI couldn’t resist buying three trays of twelve for just eighteen dollars.  Which is less than half of half-price.  I returned to the store early this morning for five more, to share at work, and again tonight, for six more.  Again…to share at work.  Only four trays are expected to stay in my possession, but here’s the thing- my freezer’s full.

It’s about 5 percent ice cubes, 10 percent animal proteins, 35 percent mystery broths and stocks and the remaining 50 percent is already frozen fruits, namely berries.  Remember The Blueberry Gauntlet of 2014?  Or Abracadabra Apricots? There have been several gauntlets of this nature due to irresistible prices and I can’t resist stocking up my stock.  It ultimately leaves me with zero freezer space and poses a problem. Times like this require stealthy Family & Consumer Science problem solving.

I’m sort of too lazy to can them as preserves and I’d rather not dehydrate.  So I’ve come up with a solution:  I’ll stop hoarding them and start eating them.  Or I can just check myself into therapy.  There’s probably a real nice place for people like me.

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Chili Weather Tradition

Many families ring in chilly weather by making chili.  Each year, around this time, Crock Pots nationwide are dusted off in order to dub the season’s official start by making that first batch of iconic deep red soup, which consequentially- no one probably even thinks of as soup anymore.  Did they ever?  Because it’s chili, duh!  The beans, the beef, the sight, the smell make it such.  And eating it this time of year is that momentous.  It’s a real custom that I can stand behind.wpid-img_20141101_134351_030

My tradition, as it applies to making this fall favorite, involves going to the grocery store to get ingredients for making a lovely batch of my own.  Won’t the house smell wonderful?  The slow cooker and that shiny bag of oyster crackers will effortlessly add to the Autumnal countertop ambiance.

With list in hand, I march in and head straight to the first ingredient for making chili.  It is expected that I see something like, the last of summer’s green beans, and remember that there’s stuff in the freezer (broths and stocks) that should really be used soon. Next, I eye other ingredients that technically don’t belong in chilis but undeniably could make a wicked stir fry or something else.

One thing leads to the next and before you know it, my “Chili Weather Tradition” is in full swing.  My shopping cart gets full of potatoes, carrots, squash or greens- pretty much anything except canned tomatoes and beans.  The original recipe is abandoned in favor of using foods that I already have or have ended up walking out with, during my trip to the grocery store for specific ingredients.  In all my life, I’ve never made chili but every year around this time, I’ll eat countless casseroles and soups that were once projected to be.

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Whole Grain Bacon

If you haven’t noticed, I take this blogging business very seriously.  Someday, I can see myself writing for, or at least contributing to, internet outlets, magazines or LifesLemons.com, once it goes viral.   Hey Mom and Dad, you helped pay for me to learn about nutrition but I’d rather discuss how dishwashers make french cut green beans cling to butter knives, as a freelance writer, instead.

I could be more astute though.  I could be a liaison between the field of nutrition and those who care to learn about it.  Wouldn’t that be a novel use of my degree?  The best dietitians and nutrition educators, that I’ve met, really engage people and don’t preach.  They find a way to get through.  They find a way to connect.  They’re outside-the-box thinkers and explain why and how a person should make ideal ways of eating more attainable.  Wloophat’s the point of leading a horse to water if it’s not going to drink anyway?  (Or something to that effect.) 

As an author, or “corespondent,” I could filter out the fancy scientific nutrition jargon that tends to lose people and boil the basics down to brass tacks.  People would listen because maybe I’m relatable and extra amusing. They would read my stuff for a painless crash course on amino acids, scroll down and stumble upon a legitimate justification for eating donuts at dinner.  Oops.  Audiences worldwide would come to discover new ways to mac their cheeses or to hear nice stories about Farm to Table eating.  They’d keep reading and stay for the elaborate stories about carrot peelers and my encounters with little old ladies on gravel roads.  They’d probably pick out real gems of advice to eat just a bit healthier.  Kinda, sorta.  Maybe.  Sounds promising.  Let’s talk about bacon.

Everyone, who’s been in my presence recently, knows that I’ve had a tremendous appetite for bacon.  A craving that isn’t the healthiest when succumbed to in the desired quantity.  There’s a solution though, for a person not to eat an entire package of fried meat in just one sitting. That is, if a person can stop shoving their face long enough to use the grease and pop some corn.  Bacon grease popped corn is incredibly satisfying when a bacon hankering just won’t go away without a fight.  Popcorn provides fiber, antioxidants and the fat will aid in shuttling fat-soluble vitamins.  Besides, recent research suggests that the saturated kind, as in bacon, isn’t so horrible after all.

Whole grain bacon.  You’re welcome.

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NTT: #Vintage_Microwave_Selfies

#Whazup?

This week on the ICC Surplus Sale we’ve added a totally vintage microwave. #totes_vintage. It’s like, a 500 Series Memorymatic and belongs in a museum or something.  #no_lie   Your Grandma may have used this to warm up her hard tack bread or whatever.  #nasty_olden_days_food.  Nah, she probably warmed up stuff likec69ca686dc620211f164b571b71a6f6f leftover chicken soup but it was probably the homemade kind because back then, they didn’t have Campbell’s or whatever.  Or maybe they had Campbell’s, but not those crazy convenient disposable lunch bowls or whatever.  They probably had to use like, hand thrown pottery or something and food took like half an hour to warm up but back then, they probably thought that was good or whatever.  #back_in_the_day_probs.

You need to buy this because YOLO.  This vintage microwave is probably worth a ton of money because it’s like an artifact of our meal preparation heritage or something.  You could put it on display in your house and it’s like a total conversation starter.  Lol. JK.  You could use it as an end table.  #nifty-thrifty.

You could put it in your room and take wicked microwave selfies in the reflection for days. #nofilter. #back_n_time_babe. #vintage_microwave_selfies. 

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Car Closet

1395907_10201484495091553_254914868_nI came home from work tonight with a plan.  A checklist to execute.  A bunch of random stuff that I wanted to get done.  It was all going along fine, dishes-done, floors-done, until an overwhelming stroke of personal genius brought me to my knees.   I wept.  Why hadn’t I thought of this before?

There’s been a plastic drawer riding around in my back seat since last week, when I snagged it from someone’s garbage.  On Sunday, I washed it and until now, its went without a purpose- been dead weight. How about a trunk drawer?  Duh.

For those of you who don’t know, I practically live out of my car.  Since I go between like five homes, it’s only logical to pack enough clothes, various shoes and athletic gear to be prepared, just in case I decide to stay at one.  My clothes stay nice from the closet bar across the back seat and now, my shoes won’t get squished from limited trunk surface area.  All that I need now is a pop-up hamper.

When it’s convenient to stay at the house I’m closest to,  I’ve got dress pants and matching shoes.  After work, the occasional, spontaneous, last-minute, tennis match-dinner party combo is possible as long as I’ve got a racket and shirt that’s not aassweaty.  It’s quite simple to take your look from day to night with cute leopard flats and a red pair of glasses.  Rubber boots?  Those are handy.  Ankle weights?  Why not?  Bug spray, toilet paper, and wrinkle release?  Perfect- the phone book has had enough pages ripped out for long runs.  But, if it rains today and you can’t run, do you have an umbrella?  More importantly, do you have goggles and a towel to go swimming indoors?   Drying off with dirty underwear isn’t the best way to stay feeling refreshed.  (Get a hamper for those bad boys instead.)

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Smile, You’re on Krispy Kreme Camera

Running at night has its risks.  Drivers aren’t as alert, bad guys come out, it’s dark and easy to trip over things like uneven sidewalk, tree branches and trays of doughnut holes.  It happens-  I can’t make this stuff up.

wpid-img_20140807_221039_390A week ago tonight, while running, I stopped dead in my tracks on a street corner. With wide eyes and an open mouth, I stood there in disbelief.  I squatted down to take a closer look and rubbed my curious eyes with fists.  Sure enough.  There, sitting smack before me, were three trays of owner-less doughnut holes.  Who does that?  Could it have been Candid Krispy Kreme Camera?  (The lesser-known hidden camera show that puts unsuspecting people in unusual doughnut situations.)  Bewildered participants are ambushed by belly-laughing producers and camera crews.  They have a chuckle (and a long john) and go on their merry way.  Just kidding.

Sometimes they don’t find out at all!  After I finished taking pictures, I kept running and left the doughnuts behind.  I didn’t get bombarded by camera crews or belly-laughing producers and I was surprised by this.  When I passed the doughnuts a second time, I took a cup and a brief moment to suppose the likely-hood that they were poisoned.  I ate them anyway and didn’t die of abandoned-food poisoning.  I was surprised by this.  Then I waited three to five business days and didn’t get billed by Krispy Kreme.  I was surprised by this too.  Since this happened exactly a week ago tonight, I’m headed back to see if there’s more-  Are you surprised by that?

This time, I’ll smile (on Krispy Kreme Camera.)  I’m gonna be a Starrrrr.

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NTT:: Playing Pretend

Remember playing “pretend” when you were little?  You would recruit your most lifelike looking dolls and imaginary friends to play, “House” or “School” or “Subdivision.”  At least I played “Subdivision” and other make-believe themes.  Does that not surprise you?

My brother and I drove ouIMG_3321r “cars” (our bikes) around the “neighborhood” (the front and back yards) and pretended to do things that “cool” teenagers would probably do.  For example: We met our friends at the mall (the barn.) We played pickup games at the gym (the driveway.) We got ice pops at Mr. Freezies (the chest freezer in the garage.) We’d pretended to have all sorts of conversations with imaginary friends. For example: “Aw man, you’re grounded?  That stinks.”  “You goin’ to the game Friday night?” “No thanks, man.  I don’t smoke.”

It was So. Much. Fun. Today, you have the unique opportunity to invest in a large amount of chairs so that you and your imaginary friends can play all sorts of “pretend” games.  It’s best to imagine motifs that thrive with large seating arrangements.  Let me get your imagination rolling… “Movie Theatre,” “Ball Game,” “Wedding”…

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New Things:: On Lemons

Remember when I shared with you that I also blog at work?  I mean, I blog for work.  At work.  As part of my job.  I mean, I made it part of my job but I don’t spend a lot of time on it. Of course not.  That would be a waste of precious working time- at work.  Duh.

Come to find out, New Things wpid-img_20140807_110351_273Thursday is a highly effective tool that keeps people interested in mismatched office chairs and stuff- so they will buy them.  It’s a college-wide news feed so it keeps people informed of the latest college surplus inventory.  It also boosts employee morale- namely mine.  It’s a good time.  I mean, I don’t labor over it like I do LifesLemons. We’re talking twenty minutes, tops- and I move on to more important things.

How about I share them sometimes?  Then you’ll click over and buy some nice used furniture or something.  Deal.

Come back tomorrow and I’ll share this week’s.  I’d put it up here today, but Dad and Weston say my Lemons post get too long.  Babies.  In the meantime, here is a nice picture of my personal fruit basket on my desk at work.   It probably keeps me inspired or something. Nah, just keeps me from eating more cookies than I already do.

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How to Celebrate Survival of a Near Death Experience

I could’ve died yesterday.  You may recall, it was gorgeous out.  So I did what any respectable bicycle owner would do-  I slapped on some sunscreen, put on my helmet and left for a nice long ride on uncharted roads in the country.  Why not?  I had time (and daylight) to get lost.

After two hours, I was at a point in the ride where, had it been on a stationary bike, I would have been finished and showered by now.  My water bottle was empty, the iPod was dead and fatigue was starting to set in.  Everything looked the same- field, field, barn. There was an uneasy stillness to the air so I began humming loudly to stay occupied.  All of the sudden, from behind, the deafening blow of an air break jerked me to attention.  The semi, out of nowhere, passed so quickly and closely that I almost crashed into the pavement.  Eventually, the truck slowed to a halt, turned left at the stop sign and revealed his billboard-like trailer advertisement, for Frappuccinos.  That’s when it hit me- I’ve got to make ice coffee when I get home!cap

I arrived back at the apartment, loaded the blender with ice, coffee and milk, and here’s the part where I could’ve died…

The blender lid broke.  Milky coffee, plastic and ice covered everything within a four-foot radius.  My life flashed before my eyes and that’s when it really hit me, “Oh my gosh, I could’ve died!” What if, by holding down the lid, my hand slipped into the blade?!  It would’ve sliced my hand open or chopped my arm off, probably!  The blade could have ejected from the blender and flew into my gut like a ninja’s star throw.  I would’ve bled out on the kitchen floor with drops of caffeine glistening like dew all around.  That would be tragic.

After the kitchen was cleaned up and I stopped fearing for my life, I loaded ice, coffee and milk into the back-up blender. Only this time, I did what any respectable person would do when they celebrate survival of a near death experience-  I added sweetened condensed milk to the coffee and drank my fair share from its gooey can.

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The Blueberry Gauntlet 2014

I bought 21 dry pints of blueberries.  Each pint was 99 cents and out of season blueberries cost about $3.99.  So in my eyes, pints were priced buy one get three free- which is obviously a steal and should’ve bought more, but I don’t have the freezer space.

295918_10150263590951404_364376416403_7682864_7493842_n1If they even get to the freezer.  You and I both know that these little blue babies are tricky not to eat.  They have to survive quite the little gauntlet before stepping their tiny berry feet into the freezer.  The fate of many berries is my belly first- not the freezer, because each transfer lends an opportunity for total loss.  They have to endure a two minute car ride home, minus 23 berries.  If they take the front seat, it’s more like minus 89.  They have to suffer through being dumped into a large bowl and washed, minus 44 berries. They have to outlive inspection as pictured, minus 694 berries.  (605 as squishy duds tossed into a nearby yellow cake mix box and a minimum of 89 consumed.)  If they make it into the bag that’s being held open by the magnet I found on the floor at Schnucks, chances are they’re safe.  They’ll freeze to see another day.

On another note: This is BW’s second LifesLemons appearance in 2 months.  You go, Big Guy! Is that Spanish Moss Green by Revlon?  Why, yes it is. Yes. It. Is.

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Glasses Gluttony

I was gifted with poor eyesight and picked out my first pair of glasses in the third grade. For whatever reason, I wanted to wear glasses, have braces and strawberry blond hair all at the same time.  Not that I ever really knew what hue strawberry blond was… it just sounded like such a delicious shade of hair.  So I pretended my kj;kjhair was that color and welcomed braces a few months after vision correction.  My little rounds matched, “Molly” my faux American Girl doll and I was just about as cool as a third grader could get in 1998.  Can you imagine?

Then, I wore contacts almost every moment of every day in high school and most of college which, I believe, damaged the surface of my eyes for eternity.  It’s hard now, and so it’s rare, for me to wear lenses.   So most of the time, I’m in glasses… but it’s cool because I’m still pretending to have strawberry blond hair and the grill that I wear on the weekend gives the illusion of braces.

Kidding- I don’t actually have a mouthpiece that looks like palliative orthodontia.

Nah, I just found a website that sells prescription glasses for hardly anything at all.  (At least that’s what I keep telling myself.)  Because I’ve binge bought an obscene amount of glasses since March. Can’t say I’m much for moderation with many things.  Eat cookies, eat several; buy glasses by the truckload.  Termed: Glasses Gluttony. Won’t give you quite the colic as cookies do but it’s still problematic.  You put on a different pair and sweatshirt at Starbucks, ask for a refill and they think you’re a completely different person.  First you’ve got on leopard, next it’s red.  You’ll show up as a neardy bird and leave as Sporty Spice.  “Who is this girl and why is her purse like a clown car for crazy glasses?”  Don’t worry about it.  This too shall pass.

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